Holy Envy

Part 3 of 4 – Educating Our Desires

7. Educating Our Desires

“We will have to account to God for all the good things our eyes beheld but which we refused to enjoy.” -Rabbi Arikka (quoted by David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage)

Nothing moves us like desire. Wanting, craving, needing, and deep longing take us from inaction to action, from indifference to compulsion, and from being distractable to being steadfast. What we do may determine our destination, but what we desire determines what we do. 

Desire reflects our divinity—it’s the key to all action and progression—but it also poses immense challenge. We have infinite desires but finite time, and not all desires are created equal. Moreover, few of us have proactively trained our desires; and so, as apostle Neal A. Maxwell once observed, we are like children standing before a vast smorgasbord, “the most elaborate buffet ever prepared…and accessibility to it is less restrained by peer, by family, by political and social pressures than ever before. Therefore your generation, perhaps more than any other, is free to choose… your deepest desires will control your choices.” (NAM, “The Education of Our Desires”)

We are anxious to try it all, distracted by every dish, but our palates are untrained. It’s not that any particular food or desire is wrong or invalid, but they are not all equal—not every meal selection will give us variety and familiarity, adventure and safety, delight and nurturing, pleasure and health. We want to feel good both during and after we partake.

The good news is that just as we can train our palates, we can train our desires. We have the power to choose what we want. God granted us the gift of agency, as well as the gift to desire, but he didn’t grant us our desires—those are ours alone for which we alone are responsible. We are in fact more responsible for our desires than we are for our choices because what makes a choice better or worse has more to do with the intent behind the choice than the choice itself. “For I will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts” (D&C 137:9), just as in a court of law where a perpetrator is judged not just by an act committed (actus reus) but also by his state of mind (mens rea). I could punch my neighbor, but my culpability will be determined by why I did it—to prevent him from hurting someone else, say, or simply because I disliked him. The former is lawful, even ethical, but the latter is criminal. Moreover, I may only desire to punch my neighbor but never actually do it—not a crime on earth but certainly an infraction in the court of heaven.

This is why, as Jeremiah says, “I the Lord search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.” (Jer 17:10) Jesus understood and taught this—that what we desire says more about who we are than what we do—as he condemned not just murder and adultery but anger and lust as well (Matt 5:21-28). At the beginning of his ministry, he pointedly asked two men who followed him, “What seek ye?” (John 1:38) because the virtue of their action lay not in the seeking but in the reason for it, what they desired of him. After all, Herod also sought Jesus (Luke 9:7-9).

Importantly, our desires, while influenced by our personal circumstances, are our own to direct. “Of course our genes, circumstances, and environments matter very much, and they shape us significantly. Yet there remains an inner zone in which we are sovereign… in this zone lies the essence of our individuality and our personal accountability.” (Neal A. Maxwell, “According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts,” GC Oct 1996)

And most soberingly, it is our desires, even more than our actions, that determine our destiny.

I know that [God] granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life… And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged … and if… the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good… The one raised to happiness according to his desires of happiness, or good according to his desires of good; and the other to evil according to his desires of evil… And so it is on the other hand. If he hath repented of his sins, and desired righteousness until the end of his days, even so he shall be rewarded unto righteousness. (Alma 29:4; 41:3-6)

President Joseph F. Smith therefore taught, “You and I must take great care concerning the education of our desires.” (Teachings, 302) To educate is to shape, refine, nurture, prioritize, and strengthen; but also to harness, control, sublimate, as well as unleash. Educating desire is at the heart of salvific growth, and the command to do it is memorialized in a particular temple mark and covenant to align our “desires, appetites, and passions” in the Lord’s way. But how?

Identifying Core Values

If we are to cultivate our highest desires, we have to first determine our core values; and we should do this when our minds are clear and we feel like we are acting from our best selves. What do I most want from myself? What do I most value in life? What will bring me the greatest joy? When my life is nearing its end, what do I want my life to have looked like, to have meant? The reason identifying our core values is so important is because there are myriad desires that align with some of our values but that will inevitably conflict with our highest ones. Even our highest values will sometimes compete for our time and attention, so we must prioritize them so one does not distract us from another that is more foundational. This is not an easy exercise, but it will prevent us from being controlled by a momentary desire rather than our higher ones.

We cannot of course, you and I, frustrate the overall purposes of God for us…but we can surely fail to rise to our personal possibilities because we fail to desire…that which is possible within us. Around us all the time there are people settling for less than they are, for less than they have the possibility to become. And I believe so much of that stems from an intrinsic failure of them to educate their desires. (NAM)

Our core values then should reflect the best in us—our most aspirational goals of doing good in the world.

Nurturing Core Desires

Once our core values are clear, we have to ensure that we really do desire what our core values point to, and that they’re not just fleeting wishes. “Righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary. They must be heartfelt, unwavering, and permanent.” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Desire,” GC Apr 2011) Our core values must be things we deeply crave and long for, “the distillation of our strongest motivations… that which truly calls the cadence for our thoughts and our deeds.” (NAM) Such desires lie at the foundation of our agency—they direct what we feel, think, pay attention to, and do, and ultimate determine our destiny, or as Elder Maxwell taught, “Indeed, brothers and sisters, our desires clearly control the tilt of our souls.”

And what if we have a core value but realize our desire for it is in its infancy? No worries. As Alma told the Zoramites, “even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you…” (Alma 32:27) Each of us must decide what “letting this desire work in us” means, but it might involve study, pondering, and prayer. God, who knows and grants the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) will help us educate and tutor our desires if we ask.

We could also use music or other inspirational media to deepen our desires towards our core values. As we sing in More Holiness Give Me, “More purity give me, More strength to o’ercome, More freedom from earth-stains, More longing for home. More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be, More blessed and holy—More, Savior, like thee.”

Righteous desires need to be relentless, at least as relentless as are the appeals to our other desires with which we are constantly barraged.

Transmuting Desire

Another way to deepen righteous desire is to lessen the power of our other desires, particularly those that have little value to us. The truth is that something is really only distracting, or tempting, if it appeals to us, if it actually draws out a desire; otherwise it is only a nuisance. “Remember, brothers and sisters, it is our own desires which determine the sizing and the attractiveness of various temptations. We set our thermostats as to temptations [or distractions]!” (NAM)

Some of our present desires, therefore, need to be diminished or even dissolved. When the people of Alma “lost their desire for sin,” it was because they deliberately decided to “give away all [their] sins” in order to know God (Alma 22:15-18). As we also refine our lives and give up our sins, our desires for goodness increases. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that the more righteously we live, the quicker we arrive where we have “overcome the evils of [our lives] and lost every desire for sin.”

Other desires can simply be decreased, or seen in proper perspective, sought only when time and circumstances are right, and when they are not conflicting with a higher desire.

Some desires can be transmuted, redirected, or channeled into our higher desires (see trauma below). For example, if I have a high desire to play a sport, but in fact that sport demands a lot of time and tends to conflict with a core value to spend time with family, I could creatively redirect that desire into playing sports with the family. This can be done with just about any desire we have, even ones that at first blush seem to be in direct contrast with our higher values.

Other areas in which desire might need to be transmuted is in the subtle snags of doing what is right but for the wrong reasons. We may do things out of duty or obligation or fear or reward, but real desire is intrinsic—we do what we do because we desire doing it more than the result it brings. We help others, for example, because of the intrinsic goodness of it and not because of duty or obedience or reward or fear of consequence if we do not. A good exercise then would be to consider the things we do but not out of pure desire or real intent, then seek to reframe why we do it.

For behold, God hath said a man being evil cannot do that which is good; for if he offereth a gift, or prayeth unto God, except he shall do it with real intent it profiteth him nothing. For behold, it is not counted unto him for righteousness. For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God. And likewise also is it counted evil unto a man, if he shall pray and not with real intent of heart; yea, and it profiteth him nothing, for God receiveth none such. (Moro 7:6-9)

Trauma & Desire

Dealing with the vast array of desires is a challenge of perspective—whether or not we can see the forest for the trees, the big picture over the looming present moment.

The sensualist is inevitably provincial. He lets the carnal desires of the moment control. David of old was so provincial; Uriah was the universalist. He understood about loyalty, David forgot. The fleeting things of the moment are allowed to predominate over the things of eternity. I speak not only of sexual lusts but also of inordinate desires for status or praise or wealth or recognition or, even more simply, the desire for careless ease; that casual and slackened and selfish form of life which robs life of its meaning and of its tutoring possibilities by insulating oneself from the very experiences of life which, after all, are why we have come here. (NAM)

David’s experience brings up a caution when cultivating desire. We don’t know everything about David’s life, but we know enough to suppose that David experienced an immense about trauma in his youth—not the least of which was being literally hunted for years by King Saul. In any event, the point is that sometimes our desires conflict with our higher values because of past trauma. Trauma confuses our relationship to our own desires, needs, and wants; and we can’t purify our desires until we deal with and heal from the trauma. Like an abused child who desires to abuse others—that child will be hard-pressed to refine his desires without dealing with the trauma of his past. We all have some trauma, along with desires and wants that were born out of it. One of the keys then to purifying our desires is doing the deep, bodily healing work trauma requires. We can heal the parts that would seek to use others or hurt others the way we’ve been hurt. 

In the meantime, when desires we’d rather not heed seem to overwhelm us, it’s important that, rather than rejecting them (which is akin to rejecting ourselves and poses more problems than solutions), we instead sublimate them, or redirect them to something else that better aligns with our core values. Mastering desire and its powerful energy is not easy, but it is within our agential power. We have the ability to center ourselves and be discerning with our choices—to yet be sacred stewards of our powerful desires. (D&C 58:27-28)

Scriptural Examples of Distinctively Cultivated Desires

I am fascinated by how well-educated desires have prevented prophets and others from being distracted by the world and spawned some of the most incredible events in scripture. There are many, but here are five:

(1) Both Alma and the sons of Mosiah avoided the distractions of power and prominence, giving up powerful positions—Alma as Chief Judge (Alma 4:18-19) and the sons of Mosiah as Kings of Zarahemla (Alma 17:6)—in order to pursue their greater desires to preach the gospel, for “they were desirous that salvation should be declared to every creature, for they could not bear that any human soul should perish; yea, even the very thoughts that any soul should endure endless torment did cause them to quake and tremble.” (Mos 28:3) The results of their mission changed the course of Nephite and Laminate history.

(2) Remarkably, the three Nephites and John the Revelator weren’t distracted by the promise of returning to heaven because of their greater desire to remain on earth to teach, preach, and bless humankind. “And [Jesus] said unto them: Behold, I know your thoughts, and ye have desired the thing which John, my beloved, who was with me in my ministry, before that I was lifted up by the Jews, desired of me… Therefore, more blessed are ye, for ye shall never taste of death… and all this will I do because of the thing which ye have desired of me, for ye have desired that ye might bring the souls of men unto me, while the world shall stand.” (3 Ne 28:6-9)

(3) Nephi was less distracted by the difficulty of the wilderness journey than his brothers, and greater than his desire for the comforts of home was his desire to see his father’s vision. “And the Spirit said unto me: Behold, what desirest thou? And I said: I desire to behold the things which my father saw.” (1 Ne 11:2-3). Nephi’s desire spawned his great vision of world history (1 Ne 11-15), from which we all benefit.

(4) Enos felt a “desire for the welfare of my brethren, the Nephites” and later for the Lamanites, and “pour[ed] out his whole soul to God for them” (Enos 1:9), specifically asking that the Book of Mormon be preserved to come forth in the latter-days for their benefit (Enos 1:13); and as a result, “the Lord said unto me, I will grant unto thee according to thy desires, because of they faith” (Enos 1:12). We hold the Book of Mormon in our hands because of Enos’ desires!

(5) Abraham, despite growing up in an idolatrous home, “sought for the blessings of the fathers…desiring also be be one who possessed great knowledge, and to be a greater follower of righteousness…desiring to receive instructions, and to keep the commandments of God” (Abr 1:2), and simply because he nurtured and heeded that desire, he sought out Melchizedek, from whom he received the priesthood, thus beginning his life of service and devotion to God, becoming the father of the faithful.

Caution

We should not be afraid of desire, nor of the distractions that appeal to our lesser desires. Sin may be as much about rampant desire as it is our refusal to desire and grow, our refusal to believe in ourselves, and our willingness to live below our potential. One author described sin as ‘not wanting to want’ and the answer to sin as allowing ourselves to desire more fully. “We will have to account to God for all the good things our eyes beheld but which we refused to enjoy.” Yes, we make mistakes in the process of seeking our desires, but that is the path of growth. God can’t work with us if we don’t pursue our desires, all the while educating, refining, and purifying them.

Conclusion

On an early morning in November of 1962, apostle Boyd K. Packer was heading to his office when he heard on the radio that the front doors of the Salt Lake Temple had been blown off by a bomb. He later recalled,

“Remember that? Most of you don’t because it is just not that important—it isn’t worth remembering…As I went to the office, I glanced across the street. There was a lot of action around the temple—people, police cars, fire trucks, and everything. But I was late to a meeting; so I had to resist the temptation to go over and see what was going on. I was in meetings with combination of the Brethren all day.  As I went back that night about 6:30 or 7:00, there was no one at the temple; but there were some big sheets of plywood over the place where the doors had been. Then it struck me. All day long in meeting with the Brethren, not once, for one second, was that thing ever brought up. It wasn’t even mentioned. And why? Because there was work to do, you know. Why be concerned at that? Samuel Johnson wrote something that I think has an application here that we ought to remember. “A fly can sting a stately horse and make it wince, but one is still a stately horse and the other, well.” (Elder Boyd K. Packer, “To Those Who Teach in Troubled Times”)

We certainly would have been easily distracted, even fascinated by the event; but Elder Packer says that to him and the brethren, it was “just not that important.” And why? Because they cared more about what they were doing in their meetings that day to build the kingdom. That’s what mattered, that’s what they desired more and were more interested in than the day’s excitement.

Horses have blinders that keep their attention riveted, but our blinders must be our deepest and most heartfelt desires—what we want most. Like Elder Packer, we can curtail our desires for lesser kinds of excitement and cultivate an excitement for something better.

So I plead with you, as one who has confidence in you collectively, educate your desires, as President Smith said. Don’t be distracted by the disturbances around us! (NAM)

It will take time, but only by educating and training our desires can they become our allies instead of our enemies and help us be so terribly excited about reaching the Tree that the great and spacious building has comparatively little appeal.

So, as the Lord asks each of us at the veil (and as Lucifer mimics with Adam & Eve at the altar), What do you want? -or- What do you desire?

Part 1: 1. Scripture Immersion, 2. Submissive Prayer, 3. Full Sway Sacrament & Sabbath, 4. Consistent & Committed Temple Worship
Part 2: 5. Meditation & Mindfulnes, 6. Living Mission-Driven
Part 3: 7. Educating Desires
Part 4: 8. Sacralizing Life.